The Six-Million Dollar Man...or Maybe Not.

   Remember Steve Austin? Remember the show's opening scenes? "We can rebuild him, we can make him stronger, faster, sexier, cheesier, and he'll smell like chocolate chip cookies!" OK, that wasn't exactly how it went, but close enough. For those who don't remember the show, Steve Austin was a test pilot/astronaut/door gunner on the space shuttle/whatever, who was in a bad crash, and the government decided to rebuild him with bionic implants. If you have never seen the show, rent it or look for it on those cable networks that specialize in 1970's cheese fests, drink several adult beverages, and enjoy the wholesome family goodness of bad sci/fi special effects and predictable, heart-warming plotlines...don't get me wrong - I loved it! Watched every episode at least once, making sound effects right along with the TV!

    Having taken a detour down Nostalgia Lane, I guess I need to come back to the present and talk about my own $6,000,000 project, except it is a lot less high-tech, and a lot more old-fashioned than Colonel Austin's reconstruction (it also wasn't funded with Taxpayer Dollars, dammit). About 4 months ago, I was a fat, waddling, shambling hulk of a miserable man, pathetic and in pain, and generally possessing a rather grumpy disposition. I walked with a cane and was severely limited in my mobility and activities, and popped a lot of pain pills, cuz I needed them. A very skilled doctor drugged the crap outta me and cut out a chunk of my guts; specifically, approximately 80 percent of my stomach...best thing that ever happened to me, health-wise! I have since lost about 95 pounds, and 10 inches around my waist. My diabetes is gone, my blood pressure has dropped, my sleep apnea has disappeared, I have tossed my cane in a corner, and now I can walk like a normal person...

    A few months ago, every normal, ordinary activity was an exercise in pain, the brute pain of simply moving my large carcass from point A to point B. There were so many things that were simply beyond my physical capacities that life really wasn't worth living any more. The only reason I stuck around was for my family, and because of the vague hope that maybe someday, something would happen to make things better. What eventually happened was so simple in concept, yet so profound in its effects, I only regret not doing it sooner...I lost several years of living to being a wretched fat bastard, and I can never get those years back. I can, however, make up for that lost time by becoming the best man I can be, physically and otherwise. Hence, the "Reconstruction" theme of this rambling dialogue. I am rebuilding myself physically, and the outer change is noticeable, according to friends and family. I also suspect that the inner change is also noticeable to those few who are paying attention. 

    I go to the gym at least 4 times a week, pumping iron and working the aerobic machines, walking on the treadmill, building muscle and endurance, getting stronger, tougher, leaner, harder, and becoming one sexy, awesome beast of a man!...Well, OK, let's not get carried away here. "Stronger, harder, more muscular, leaner" - all true. "Sexy, awesome beast of a man", maybe not, but here is the deep-down truth. I feel like a sexy, awesome beast of a man, even if I don't look like one. The difference in how I look has been described as "great", "incredible", "fantastic", etc, etc, blah, blah, blah (I actually look entirely ordinary and common-place)...I appreciate the kind words, and the outer change is pretty dramatic, but the real change is inside. It's how I feel as a man, a human, a living breathing animal of a being...I have not felt this alive in many years.

       A few days ago, I was at the gym, doing the weight machines and jogging on the treadmill, and I felt so damn good, I just went out the back door, paced off 40 yards in the grass, and started doing wind sprints - 40 yards as fast as my big, hairy self could run! I would dash, walk around in a circle for a few seconds catching my breath, then haul ass back the other way like a scalded chimpanzee. I'm sure I looked absurd, a 51 year old fat man running wind sprints, but I felt what can only be described as an animal joy at just running as fast as I could! I wanted to chase down a mailman and bite his leg, or go tearing off into the woods chasing rabbits and barking at squirrels...it was awesome! And now I'm limping, cuz I am experiencing a very curious physio-medical phenomenon; Too Much Too Soon Syndrome.

    TMTS syndrome happens when someone is suddenly released from a life of significant physical limitations, and finds themselves with a fierce desire to do everything they have been denied for so long, so they try to do it all, right-by-God-now! I want to go trail running, and sky diving, and bike riding, and hiking in the mountains, and...well, you get the idea. I want to do it all! Right now, dammit! But an honest assessment of my abilities tells me that I need to develop one other kind of strength that is in short supply - patience! I need to work up to all of these things a bit more gradually than I am attempting right now, or I may wind up doing myself some damage. The last damn thing I want is to have to dig that cane out of the corner just to walk from the parking lot to the office!

    On the other hand, I will be running in the Long Beach Jingle Bell Jog this coming Saturday, doing the One Mile Fun Run... I'm sure there will be a good deal of walking involved before I get to the finish line, and that'll be just fine with me!


4 months, 258 pounds, down from 351, on my way to 205 or so...

So, Things are settling into the New Normal State of Affairs...

approx 100 days after I got trimmed, 261 pounds, from 351, down 90 pounds, 56 pounds to go...

and things are starting to settle into a new routine. I go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, working on strength training and running (yes, running!), and trying to get some flexibility and strength in my lower back. I have more than doubled my upper body strength, tightened my stomach muscles very nicely (still fat, but I can tell there is a big improvement), and made HUGE strides in my cardio health and endurance. I have all but given up on the elliptical trainer, as it just doesn't challenge me physically, so I have starting walk/jogging. That is basically jogging on a treadmill, with periods of walking thrown in to prevent massive coronary blowouts. Today, I walk/jogged to a small but important milestone - literally, one mile. I ran about 3/4 of it, and walked whenever my heart rate hit 140 or above. I would walk until the pump was doing about 110 BPM, then start running again. I kept a mental tally of how far I was walking, and it came to right at 1/4 mile - the rest was running, you do the math. My short term goal is to run a solid mile, at a steady pace, within 2 weeks, while getting below 250 in that same time frame. I'm not sure I can lose 11 pounds in 14 days, but I'm gonna try.

   My longer term goals involve this room;

(yes, those are bowling balls, but I'm not going bowling....)


and also this field;

That is the landing field at the drop zone in Lumberton...here is where all you Whuffos ask, "Drop zone? Chute? You mean, jump out of an AIRPLANE??" Yes, exactly...I have always wanted to, I have been doing some research, it is safer than the drive to the movie theater, and the dropzone in Lumberton happens to be one of the best in the whole world. Check it out, scroll about halfway down, and look for Gold Coast Skydivers...they are tied for first place in the rankings, worldwide. I spoke with them, hung out for a while, played with the dog (I don't think the dog actually jumps), and took a snapshot or 2. They seem like very nice people, very tolerant of stupid questions, and the chief rigger seems to REALLY know his stuff...I will absolutely be going back, as soon as I have shed some more tonnage and saved up some lunch money...I'm shooting for March, when the weather starts warming up.

I'm also shooting alot in this field;

That is the view looking over the top of a very old but still serviceable Soviet bolt-action rifle, looking downrange at the berm in Woolmarket, where I spend whatever spare time I have.

As my midsection gets smaller, my horizons seem to be getting bigger. I have plans now, things I have always wanted to do, but have never been able to pursue until now. Our time on this dirtball is limited, and we can live cautious, careful, safe lives, or we can bite off big chunks of life (and small nibbles of cheeseburgers), and really enjoy our time here...I know which option I prefer!

Geronimo!

BTW, the bowling balls are used as weights to hold the parachute pack steady while the rigger packs the chute...packing a parachute isn't really an activity with a whole lot of room for error, so you want to hold it down tight while you take care of business...

The Engine is Coming to Life...

Approximately 3 weeks after my surgery, I started working out in the gym...I was very weak, and had no stamina. I worked with the benchpress machine, pressing about 60 pounds...pretty pathetic! Now, after 6 weeks or so, I have made some pretty significant improvements in my routine...

I can now press more than double what I could press before, ...I can now press 200 pounds! I can *feel* the strength starting to stir, the power starting to flow. I am developing reserves of power that didn't exist before. I used to do 5 minutes on the elliptical trainer - now I hit the 30 minute time limit, so I have started jogging on a treadmill machine. I managed 400 meters today, a quarter mile! Not bad for a 52 year old fat bastard! I doesn't sound like a great distance, but keep in mind 2 things; the last time I ran was in boot camp 30 years ago, and 3 months ago I was walking with a cane ...I am starting to rebuild this wreck of a body and get it back in shape!

Next month, I will run a full mile, bench press 250 pounds, bike 5 miles, etc...always pushing, always growing stronger. I have been dead for far too long, but now, the machine is coming back to life.

The whole point of this post is to show that life after surgery doesn't stop after a loss of so many pounds...Life after surgery is only a beginning! I don't know about anybody else, but I consider my life after surgery to be a gift, and I have no intention of wasting that precious gift... I plan to enjoy life to the fullest!

Geronimo!

Before and After...

I promised you guys some before and after pics, so I rounded up some of the rather depressing pics of my former fat self, and got a few pics of my not-so-fat present self, and I'll just toss 'em up here for your amusement.....

Here I am, dwarfing the Space Shuttle...

At a pistol match a few years ago...

a fishing trip a couple summers ago. Luckily, there were no whalers around, or I might have been skewered with a harpoon.

Some fat bastard sat on my reading glasses...oh, wait, it was me!

Mugshot profile.

Mugshot straight view. (Note grumpy look on face.)

 and now a few of the new and improved (work in progress) me...note a somewhat more cheerful attitude. Obviously, I still have a lot of work to do, but the work is actually making a difference - I'm much stronger than I used to be, more flexible, in a lot less pain, able to work longer, lift more, do more, play harder, and actually enjoy life instead of just endure...

From a few weeks ago...

My best side...no pinching please, ladies! Well, OK, go ahead!

Mugshot profile...

Mugshot straight view. 

2 Months, Incredible Changes!

   On July 25th, at approximately 10 AM, a guy I barely knew strapped me down to a table, drugged the crap outta me, and cut out a chunk of my guts...best thing that ever happened to me! Over the next few days, I sipped a lot of chicken broth, popped a bunch of pain pills, and dropped a ton of weight. At the time I got trimmed, I was weighing in around 330 or so. In the post-op period, I lost at least 5 pounds a day for about a week. In the weeks that followed, that rate of loss slowed considerably. Nowadays, I am usually losing a couple pounds a week, and that's fine. I am actually stuck at about 276 right now - plateaued is the technical term. I haven't lost any weight for about a week. I am worried about that? No, not really...

   I may not be losing a ton of weight these days, but what IS changing for me is even more important - my capabilities. I can do shit now that I couldn't do before. For several years I was, for all practical purposes, a fat cripple. I was so limited in my mobility that I was simply not capable of doing ordinary things that most folks can do. That situation has changed drastically!

   For those who don't know, there are 2 kinds of pain. When you slam your thumb in the car door, when that Chinese food turns ugly and gut cramps bend you double, when a ricochet hits you in the face and knocks you silly, that is pain type 1. Type 1 pain is the body's signal that there is some fairly serious damage, and you probably should do something about it. I was in constant type 1 pain for several years. It was always there, the only variable was the severity at any one time...but it was always there. My knees, legs in general, lower back, shoulders, pretty much everything hurt, and it hurt more when I tried to exert myself. So I quit doing stuff...logical, right?

   These days, I am experiencing Type 2 pain...the kind of pain that signifies weakness leaving the body. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week, running on the elliptical trainer (easy on the knees), lifting weights, and swimming once a week. The pain I am in right now is muscular soreness from a truly earth-shaking event yesterday; I mowed the lawn. Using a regular walk-behind mower, I mowed our fairly small yards, front, sides, and back. Astonishing, right? I haven't been physically capable of cutting the grass in about 5 years, folks, for me, its a fucking miracle! And now, the pain of weakness leaving my body is in my thigh muscles, my calves, and my upper back muscles - it's GOOD pain, and I welcome it, because it means I am getting stronger and more capable day by day, week by week. Proof? You want proof, bitch? OK! I started doing the bench press machine using about 5 plates with a max of 8 plates, which is pretty goddam pathetic - the plates are only 12 pounds each. Thursday, I did 5 sets of 10 reps, using 9 plates, then worked up to a max of 15 plates...big improvement, even if it is still less than 200 pounds. The whole stack of plates is 250...when I can kill that, I'll move to free weights and progress from there. I used to try to do 5 minutes on the elliptical, and I was so proud when I made it that far...now THAT is pathetic! These days I don't break a sweat for 5 minutes. I had to stop at 21 minutes tuesday - not because I was tired, but because I was running out of time and needed to get back to the lab. I'll be hitting 30 minutes tomorrow to work off the beer and pizza I had over the weekend. Don't go shaking your head - I used to drink 8 or 10 beers on pizza night, and eat at least 8 pieces of pizza...in one night! This weekend, I think I have had 5 pieces and 5 beers, spread over 3 days...beer and pizza is kinda like a workingman's salary. It doesn't matter how much, what matters is how fast. We all get paid the same amount, just some of us get paid a lot faster and more often...beer and pizza is like that. Think about it, it'll come to you... Something tells me I have wandered off on a tangent here...

   So to recap...I used to be a fat, shambling, wheezing, pain-wracked cripple - now, I am a super-Adonis, with muscles of granite, beautiful beyond belief, with a stainless steel cock, and I smell like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.... well no, not really, only in my deepest, most Narcissistic moments. In reality, I am becoming...wait for it....an ordinary guy. WOOT! That is actually why I did all this, to become just an ordinary guy, capable of doing ordinary stuff, like cutting the fucking grass.

and every day gets a little bit better.


more before and after pictures coming soon.

Dear Diary - Week 7

about 286, 65 pounds down, 81 pounds to go. Down at least 4 inches in the waist. Even my feet are smaller.


OK, so it's been seven weeks since I got trimmed. Let me see if I can answer some of the more common questions I've had...


No, I didn't have gastric bypass, I had a relatively new procedure called a Gastric Sleeve. It takes your large, bag-shaped stomach pouch, and makes it into a tube about the size and shape of a banana.

There is a triple line of titanium staples holding the cut edges of the stomach together. Yes, they are permanent. No, I can't feel them, although if I eat too much, I know immediately, cuz it does hurt a bit. Yes, they removed the other part of the stomach...probably fed it to the dog, I don't know, and I don't care. It woulda made a cool ammo pouch, though, or maybe a hat.

I go to the can about once a week. No big deal, can't say I miss all of the gut cramps, constipation, and the screaming shits that I used to suffer from...there are other places to read a gun magazine.

Regrets? Absolutely none! If I can only munch down a dozen crawfish and one little piece of sausage at the next crawfish boil, I'm pretty sure that'll be just fine...a tiny price to pay for the huge changes in my life. All new wardrobe? Cool, I won't have to shop in the Fat Ass section, I can just buy normal clothes off the rack. The money I spent? Well, I coulda had alot of fun with that money, but I would have been a miserable, pain-wracked, fat bastard while I was having that fun, so maybe it wouldn't have been so much fun after all...($15,000, worth every penny).

Yes, I can still have adult beverages. Beer is kind of wasted on me. I can't handle all the carbonation. You get a big, beery belch, I get pain...that's why I drink Tennessee's finest, or Scotland's finest, or Russia's finest. Oddly enough, I only drink about one third as much as I used to. Less body mass to soak up the ethanol, plus the pipes are straighter, so it goes into the system faster...one drink is fine, 2 is plenty, thanks!

Everything is better when you aren't huge. I feel better from the moment I wake up to the time I slide into bed for the night. I walk better, sleep better (no more CPAP!), I'm stronger, more flexible, have less back pain, leg pain, foot pain, etc. I can feel muscles under the skin where before all I could feel was flab. I can actually feel individual ribs, and I have cheekbones. The light has to be at just the right angle, but I can see 'em now.

Hungry? Sure, I still get hungry, several times a day. I usually eat 4 meals a day, sometimes as many as six meals a day, but you need to understand that for me, a meal will fit in the palm of one hand, literally. I had a cheeseburger a couple days ago. I ate half of it for lunch, the other half for first supper. It wasn't some giant 9 dollar burger like some places serve, it was just an ordinary burger, kinda puny, really...and it was 2 full meals. Damn that thing tasted good! Here's a secret I have learned; food is delicious only for the first few bites. The more hungry you are, the better the food tastes. After that, it is still good, but less and less, until you get to the end of the dish. By the time you get to that last bite, you are eating just because it's there. I still enjoy those first few bites, but then I'm full. In effect, I am enjoying my dinner much more than you are enjoying yours.

Exercise? Hell yeah! I am actually enjoying going to the gym, burning calories, pumping iron, swimming, etc. I still don't enjoy the view in the shower room...LOL! There is a huge mirror right in front of the shower stalls, so you see just what you look like when you step out of the shower - it ain't pretty, but it's getting better every week. What did you think I meant, you degenerate? Damn pervert...

My back is still screwed up. The vertebrae are out of alignment at the base of my spine. Losing weight helps a bunch, but those bones are still lined up wrong, and probably always will be. Better, but still screwed up. I still can't go on a 4 hour hike in rough terrain (or any kind of terrain) because I still have pinched nerves back there, but it's still alot easier to get around.

Yes, people notice I have lost a ton, and they seem genuinely pleased for me...and some of my larger friends seem curious in a personal sort of way...yes, I encourage you to look into it, my fat friends, there is no real reason to wait. Being fat sucks, do something about it.

Oh yeah, by the way, being fat is hell on your love life. Losing a ton makes that a bunch better too. (wink, wink, smirk). What are you waiting for?

Worth a Thousand Words

So its been about 5 weeks since my procedure, maybe 7 weeks since I started this voyage...it's time for a few Before and After pics, don't you think?

Here are a few from before...

This one is from about a week before I got trimmed...

and this one is from several years ago...poor horse! I hope they gave her a day off after this.

This one is from about 3 years ago, at a pistol match. Despite the constant pain, I actually had a good time...but I would have had a better time if there were less of me. Dang, look at that huge, nasty gut...awful!

 Here is a picture of my shooting instructor...lightning fast and a great shot, with a terrific sense of humor to boot. You da MAN, Obi-Wan! (He's not fat at all, is he?)

Here I am on one of our lunchtime rides...large and sloppy, I was probably the biggest guy in the joint at the time.

This is me, the afternoon after the good Doc cut my guts out, holding a teddy bear on my biggest incision and blowing into some sort of lung exerciser..."There's no milkshake in this thing!" Still not sure what that was all about....

and here I am, at work today, walking fine and looking...less fat than I was before! Same shirt, different tonnage.

It may not look like it, but I am WAY happier than I have been in a long damn time...and it's just gonna keep getting better, folks!

I'm at 289, down from 351, with only 84 pounds to go...I would say "Piece of cake!" but that isn't on my diet plan. Honestly, I don't miss that sort of junk food at all. I'm too busy looking forward to all the cool stuff I'm gonna do in the near future...

More soon, so stay tuned!

BTW, here's a pic of the cutest kid in the whole world.